So I have to think about how to tell this new guy I’m seeing that his oral sex skills could do with a reboot. I don’t think any of his ex girlfriends have had “The Conversation” with him. The one about how to eat pussy. This is what I would say if—when—I get the courage to teach him. The women that come after me will be secretly thanking this mystery ex for teaching him how to do it right.

Firstly, I just don’t understand why anyone doesn’t look this shit up. Aren’t we all adults? We have access to so much information on the interwebz. Then I think, doesn’t he care that he sucks? He said that none of the girls he’s been with have ever come from head. Holy shitballs, dude. Perhaps it’s because you suck at sucking pussy?! This one ain’t too bright.

As aforementioned, I am well aware that there is a plethora of information out there and what I have to offer is my own personal experience. After three and a half months of sex and some improvements, I am still without orgasm whilst he has had more than he thought possible. This article is not about what he does well—that would require another article—this is purely about what his tongue and lips are doing wrong, not doing right, or not doing at all.

1. Don’t start with the clit.

What the hell? This is the number-one rule—don’t go straight for the clit! Ermagerd. Start by licking my pussy lips. Yes, further down. Yes, when I wriggle to move my pussy to touch your tongue, it’s because I’m trying to show you where to start licking. Fark. How obvious do I have to be? Start with the lips and tease, tease, tease! When I’m begging for it (groaning, asking for it, grinding), that’s when you move to the clit.

2. Let the tension build.

The brain is the biggest sex organ and that is especially the case for women. Guys can also be off their sex game too if they’re not present in their bodies, of course. But I feel that this is especially so for us ladies. We’re wired differently and we want to feel adored, told that we are sexy, that we can turn your flaccid penis into a warm hard throbbing cock. Foreplay is essential. Sometimes foreplay is short if we are already horny or just read or watched something that got us hot and horny. At a guess, the foreplay we want is probably four times longer than you think. Quick suggestions: necking, kissing, flesh grabbing, kneading ass cheeks (especially when it makes our outer lips part), kissing ears, ear nibbling, breast play, nipple play, running hands over back of calves and behind knees, showing what positions you want later when the fuckfest happens. Then you can fire off a herald sign of going south by kissing the stomach, lick if you want to, suck if you want to as you make a beeline downtown. Kiss my thighs, kiss across my outer lips, take a deep breath in, murmur how much you want to do this, how you look forward to tasting my pussy. By making us feel like a goddess, you can get anything you want. Including a wet juicy pussy to play with and fuck senseless.

3. Don’t ignore my labia.

My poor labia minora get so forgotten. It’s like he thinks they’re not fun. I wonder how he would feel if I kept forgetting to lick his sac and play with his balls. This is what gets a pussy hot, wet, and dripping in juicy girlcum. Even if she is so wet already from foreplay, even if there is juice coming through her underwear, you start licking those lips. Think about licking ice cream…your favourite flavor… thick broad slow soft strokes using the middle of your tongue. No pointy tip action just yet. That can come later for variety. But start with this languorous broad stroke from the bottom of her pussy up past her clit. Then do it again. Slowly. Then lick everywhere.

4. Use your tongue and lips to smoosh that juice around.

I didn’t dry up. I’m turned on and I know my pussy is wet. I know I must be tasty and you swallowed my girlcum, but it doesn’t flow out—it slowly oozes out and when you lick and suck it all away, it’s not wet anymore and it doesn’t feel as good. Think about the last time you received head and it was a bit dry. You know, you wondered if she has dry mouth for some reason. Medication related, perhaps? And you thought, perhaps if she gagged a bit that would get the saliva flowing. Hell, even snot would be better than this dry mouth, dry tongue, dry lips. Please don’t swallow all my juices because then it goes dry and it’s no fun. Wet, wet, wet is good, good, good! So use your tongue and lips and smoosh that juice around.

5. The clit does not lubricate itself.

It feels uncomfortable when you lick it with the tip of your tongue without there being saliva or dragging my juices up and smooshing it all over my clit and immediate surrounding area. So use your tongue in a lovely broad stroke, bring that juice up from the entrance of my hot pussy to my hard clit. Then with a happily wettened clit, play with my tiny femdick.

6. It sucks when you don’t suck.

He just licks. He hardly sucks. Doesn’t he realize that sucking is pleasurable? Isn’t it fun? I think sucking cock is fun, so I presume sucking pussy lips would be fun, too—and not gag-reflex-inducing unless it smells. I wanted to spew when I went down on him one time that he had urine on the tip of his cock. Strangely, it smelled far worse than it tasted and after I swallowed that dried-up urine it was fine. Anyway, it would be great if he would gently suck on my left lip, play with it with his lips, pull on it, let it go, pick it up again. Play with my right lip, which is bigger than my left lip, and do the same. It would be nice if he would gently suck my clit. Take it between his wet lips and gently suck it and if he is dextrous enough, keep sucking while using his tongue to glide across the tip of my clit.

7. Get your face in it.

He likes how my pussy tastes—I’ve tasted myself many times and I kiss him after he goes down on me and I know how I taste so I can say that I taste good. I would eat myself if I damn well could. Problem is, he licks pussy with his nose in the air. His nose doesn’t touch pussy juice. That’s as awful as someone not wanting to get saliva on their cheeks, chin, or nose when they’re giving a blowjob. Spit goes gets everywhere around my mouth. It would mean less hard tongue action if he gets closer. Try pressing your lips right up against my bald pussy so that your tongue doesn’t have to strain out. And get your nose in there, too. Get dirty. You can wash my juices off later.

8. Use your ears as well as your mouth.

When I moan—and you would think that this form of communication is interpreted as “you’re-doing-something-right”—don’t fucking stop what you’re doing!!! So so so sexually frustrating. He was doing this amazing action with licking up and over my clit and it was divine. He did it four times but then changed. Why? I don’t know why. I don’t understaaaaaaand. If I’m wriggling, moving my hips, grinding my pelvis, moving my legs, if my muscles start trembling, if I start holding my breath, making weird noises, they’re all positive reinforcement signs. That means that you’re doing something right and you keep doing that, and remember to add that to the cunny-licking repertoire that works for me.

9. Stick a finger or two up there.

Perhaps he has never realized that it’s nice to be fingered while the clit is getting hard, engorged, and increasing in sensitivity. I would prefer if he quickly licked his finger before putting it in—remember—wet, wet, wet is good, good, good! It just feels nice to have a bit of fullness in the pussy while the outside of the pussy gets more energized and is dying to cum. Some would like G-spot stimulation—you know, that come-hither motion you do with your finger/s hooked. Look it up on the interwebz, I won’t explain it here. Ask her if she wants another finger. I think most girls want two fingers. But ask her. Or she might tell you.

10. Let her sit on your face.

There is more than one position to lick pussy. My favorite is being eaten out from behind. He thinks me in starfish is the only way. I also like to sit on his face, either upright or on all fours. Other positions that would be fun include sitting in a chair, lying with pelvis up as knees are bent like a pussy offering, girl with shoulders on floor and pussy up against the bed, ooh, and girl standing up!

There you have it—my take on how to eat pussy and make a girl happy. I feel better after venting my pussyspleen.